kristy
feexa
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khairin
hanah
shid
tea
lynn
rfandi
azri
liyana
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shuqing
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hope i'll still be sane once upon the slivers of stars 20090104
there are times when you feel you haven said enuf and just want to give it closure, like bridging the gap to make you whole again. like piecing yourself together before you start to crumble as all emotions start pouring in like theres no end to it all.
emotions im nt even sure if i should have even felt at all in the first place. emotions too overpowering that it numbs the whole mental faculty that keeps you sound all this while. emotions you know that are total misfits and detrimental to the composed mind which just leave you all guilty while you know you are entitled to your own emotions.
this is just one of those times which i wished it had not even started. It is hard when as much as you want it to stop but it just keeps on coming. It is even harder when you know that in reality there will never be a period. You just know that the ounces of effort you need to toil to obliterate will turn out as bad as the feelings that you have amassed and harboured for so long. Effort that is just too much it consumes you and at the same time you know that if no closure is made, you are at the throngs of the extent of your own emotions.
either way, life just know its way of engulfing your soul and leave you flailing like a helpless bird with no wings.
It is not that my life was never filled with laughters for me to even be writing this depressing piece of turmoil. There are countless many. It is just that when there is/was a wrong trigger, all sorts of emotions to which i havent garnered enuf speed to even account for will start spinning in fast dizzying whirls. Whirls that will leave me all heady soon after.
All emotions that i know if i think hard enuf will have its history and traces but just a matter of which to which. If this world wont take me for a lunatic, i might just log and date em.
Im not a product of a broken family for people to even deserve reading this entry. Im not even a goner the way i see it. Im still that girl who knows how to hope and still have that faith and tenacity to cling on to every single scrap of hope left for her. But this is just one of those times that i will admit that i feel like im at my weakest. It makes one feel so pathetic and weak when you dun even know how to contain your emotions and not let them toy, coodle and convulate with your thoughts too much.
I miss those times when my dad used to be normal.
Normal enough to chat with us on a more daily basis so that i dun have to post such entries and be in a constant motion of hate just to feel him. Normal enough to have the instincts of a father who deliberate the vast impacts of his actions before pouncing and to understand what we are actually feeling as a family.
Normal enuf to know who he really is.
Normal enough to buy us treats.
I miss those days when i anticipate him coming back home as a normal dad.
I miss that day when he surprised me and my sis with our 'little tike house'. The very reason why i din want it to be thrashed as its my only remnant of my once normal dad.
If i were to retrace, it was too long ago. Ive missed so many days, months and years of getting to be around a normal dad who by some unspeakable charismatic means usually channel their strengths to daughters. Though i do have to say that all those moments of seeing him go thru his life have converged to provide for enough strength for me to not live the life he leads. A strength ive grown and learnt to gather on my own.
This is not even about hating the things he do and for making life difficult for me but more of how ive hated what he is now.
Nevertheless, its important for you all to know that i love my dad all the same. The more i hate the things he do, the more i feel for him. And that i should not divulge and leave him flailing helplessly. I still have that same spot he used to fill for him.
Selfishly, a lot of maladjustments had to be made by far eversince he lost his normalcies. Its obviously not helping in alleviating the sorrows i have inside but all this while ive appeared nonchalant and ridiculously ecstatic. It will remain that way for a very long time.
I rather keep the doors to the dark side slammed shut and even if you have to i'll just let you in for a peek. Just do me a favour if you happen to read this blog and you know me all too well after reading this by not asking questions that will get an emotional landslide in tow. Save me the shame of letting me in on how stupid of me to even feel all these.
Just ask me hows my day and i'll say its all fine.
And when i say that, just do be rest assured that it really was fine. And that i really am all fine.
Like i said tis is all meant to be a closure for me, myself and i. Dun butt unnecessarily if u dun know the right way to.
How i wish i can have 14 days in a week, 24 months in a year and 730 days in a
year. And have those days named after me. And have double birfdae bashes in
a year.
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<$BlogDateHeader$>
there are times when you feel you haven said enuf and just want to give it closure, like bridging the gap to make you whole again. like piecing yourself together before you start to crumble as all emotions start pouring in like theres no end to it all.
emotions im nt even sure if i should have even felt at all in the first place. emotions too overpowering that it numbs the whole mental faculty that keeps you sound all this while. emotions you know that are total misfits and detrimental to the composed mind which just leave you all guilty while you know you are entitled to your own emotions.
this is just one of those times which i wished it had not even started. It is hard when as much as you want it to stop but it just keeps on coming. It is even harder when you know that in reality there will never be a period. You just know that the ounces of effort you need to toil to obliterate will turn out as bad as the feelings that you have amassed and harboured for so long. Effort that is just too much it consumes you and at the same time you know that if no closure is made, you are at the throngs of the extent of your own emotions.
either way, life just know its way of engulfing your soul and leave you flailing like a helpless bird with no wings.
It is not that my life was never filled with laughters for me to even be writing this depressing piece of turmoil. There are countless many. It is just that when there is/was a wrong trigger, all sorts of emotions to which i havent garnered enuf speed to even account for will start spinning in fast dizzying whirls. Whirls that will leave me all heady soon after.
All emotions that i know if i think hard enuf will have its history and traces but just a matter of which to which. If this world wont take me for a lunatic, i might just log and date em.
Im not a product of a broken family for people to even deserve reading this entry. Im not even a goner the way i see it. Im still that girl who knows how to hope and still have that faith and tenacity to cling on to every single scrap of hope left for her. But this is just one of those times that i will admit that i feel like im at my weakest. It makes one feel so pathetic and weak when you dun even know how to contain your emotions and not let them toy, coodle and convulate with your thoughts too much.
I miss those times when my dad used to be normal.
Normal enough to chat with us on a more daily basis so that i dun have to post such entries and be in a constant motion of hate just to feel him. Normal enough to have the instincts of a father who deliberate the vast impacts of his actions before pouncing and to understand what we are actually feeling as a family.
Normal enuf to know who he really is.
Normal enough to buy us treats.
I miss those days when i anticipate him coming back home as a normal dad.
I miss that day when he surprised me and my sis with our 'little tike house'. The very reason why i din want it to be thrashed as its my only remnant of my once normal dad.
If i were to retrace, it was too long ago. Ive missed so many days, months and years of getting to be around a normal dad who by some unspeakable charismatic means usually channel their strengths to daughters. Though i do have to say that all those moments of seeing him go thru his life have converged to provide for enough strength for me to not live the life he leads. A strength ive grown and learnt to gather on my own.
This is not even about hating the things he do and for making life difficult for me but more of how ive hated what he is now.
Nevertheless, its important for you all to know that i love my dad all the same. The more i hate the things he do, the more i feel for him. And that i should not divulge and leave him flailing helplessly. I still have that same spot he used to fill for him.
Selfishly, a lot of maladjustments had to be made by far eversince he lost his normalcies. Its obviously not helping in alleviating the sorrows i have inside but all this while ive appeared nonchalant and ridiculously ecstatic. It will remain that way for a very long time.
I rather keep the doors to the dark side slammed shut and even if you have to i'll just let you in for a peek. Just do me a favour if you happen to read this blog and you know me all too well after reading this by not asking questions that will get an emotional landslide in tow. Save me the shame of letting me in on how stupid of me to even feel all these.
Just ask me hows my day and i'll say its all fine.
And when i say that, just do be rest assured that it really was fine. And that i really am all fine.
Like i said tis is all meant to be a closure for me, myself and i. Dun butt unnecessarily if u dun know the right way to.
How i wish i can have 14 days in a week, 24 months in a year and 730 days in a
year. And have those days named after me. And have double birfdae bashes in
a year.
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shes wishing she could just be those sliver of stars that will embrace the skies and shine the dulls of the night
shes wishing she could obliterate the memories bad and fugly
shes wishing she could be the one to throw the universe off kilter
shes wishing she could be the lover that drank every word and gesture and hold on to intensity long enuff
Adopted Trees.
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